Yesterday I was under a severe depression. I almost did the silliest thing ever that I've always against with -- to take my own life. I remembered that yesterday, when I reached my room. I straight away go to the bathroom and open the shower tap, while I'm still dressed. And while my whole body still wet and cold, I went to the kitchen....And thought of taking my own life. Initially I thought that the height was not that high enough, impact on me won't be that great. But I really too depressed. I really don't know what's going on with me. I can't think straight. I really don't know. It was like my feelings controlled my mind. I saw a chair right next to the window. I climbed up and it was really cold. Possibly due to the strong wind and the bath I took just now. I stood there for seconds and closed my eyes. I have sights. A lot of scenes passed across my mind.

It was then, I realized, I still have my mum. And my Taiping friends that loves me. What if I died?

Second thought, I realized my good friend (unfortunately not from NUS), sms-ed me after seeing my FB status. She asked me to keep moving on despite of my failure. Even if I get really bad results, I am still in the battle, and I'm still the survivor. That's why I should never give up hope and I should stand back on my feet again and to fight against this war. It was what that touches me. After all, nobody in my FB wall that manage to understand the situation that I'm undergoing. They never try to know what's happening instead of just give comments. (though there are some that gave really good and encouraging comments like Roy and Ivy...)

I know, I am fragile. I am easily shattered. But sometimes, do you think when you received "tamparan hebat" for twice in a row, can you accept it? Especially when this is the first time ever I received such a number. And after I've been studying so hard for that mod for 3 weeks before the exams, how can you accept that fact of failing? Do you guys actually understand the feelings I felt? Do you guys ever put yourself in that situation before commenting on my FB status? I'm not trying to imply anything here, but just that, you all judged me too early before you all try to understand what situation I'm undergoing.

I called mum just now and told her how sad I was . Again, I cried. Each time when I talk about it, I'll cry so badly, and I'll ended up crying for hours...And I'll ended up using more than 5 pcks of tissues. I know there's no use of crying, but it's just my way of releasing stress and to let go of my feelings. If I never cry, I think things will be weird and I won't know what I'd do. Mum is understanding, but dad...He kept saying that it was my own fault, that I FB alot. Yes, I admit I FB. But I've been reducing. I on my FB most time, but that doesn't mean that I'm available. I post a lot, but it's just when I'm stressed when I study, that's why I post. Sometimes, people just don't understand me. But I'm glad I had a few friends that really understand me.