I'm Just A Financial Burden to You

Just because you lost the bill, you put your blame on me.

I really swear that night, you only pass to me the MC and the hospital referral letter. You never even pass me any receipt. 

The only receipt that I saw is the medicine receipt. So, I asked you is it the receipt inside together with my medicine? You initially said yes, but when I asked you the amount is only $5.35? You raised your voice and said it's the $95 one. I said I didn't see any receipt other than the one inside the plastic bag which contained my medicine. Initially, we're sitting down together having dinner. But after you heard that I said that I didn't get any receipt other than the $5.35 one, you frantically search in your room, and keep insisting to me that you gave to me. I know you sounded angry, I don't blame you. Just that, I felt disappointed that, even as a sister, although the amount was only about $95, you're angry because of this matter. Then you asked me to pay myself when the ambulance bill comes. Even when I have to go for polyclinic for follow up this coming Friday, you asked me to pay myself. 

I felt really sad. I don't understand why my colleagues and friends' elder siblings are better. Ria told me that it should be my sister's responsibility for paying the fees as I'm not even working yet. Yes, I'm having intern now, but I need to save money because my sister had reduced the pocket money to only $150 per month (considering I'm staying with her now). Do you think that's even enough for my next semester? She wants to claim for the hospital bills, so I tried but they said it won't be covered. 

Why whenever my friends/colleagues had something happened to them, the elder siblings are so good? Like Ria, at first she also felt sorry to her brothers when she first had seizure when she was 14, but her brothers told her it's okay, it's their responsibilities. For my case, it seems that everything needs a payback. She also requested me to bring them to a restaurant and eat since they had to stay up with me till 4 am that night.  Sounds like there's no free lunch in this world. I know, but why within my family, she has to be so calculative? 

I'm so torn. Why is it like that? Can I even tell my parents? I don't think so. Cause if I told them bout this, they would nag her, and she'll definitely hated me for this. I guessed that I was wrong bout her. She definitely think that I'm just a burden to her, financially.

Initially, I wanted to rant bout this matter to my bf, but considering he's having exams soon, maybe I should just blog bout it although I really really want to find someone to rant to. I'm really disappointed. Maybe Cedric (a commentor on my NUS confession post) was right, in this world, only a few shows genuine concern towards you.  

Lesson learned. The day when I first sent to the hospital.

After yesterday's incident, I realized one thing. All these while, my thoughts were wrong. I have a confession, but I'd make it public.

I had depression in history, but I've never make an effort to go for consultation because I just think it wouldn't help to cure me. I always had suicidal thoughts simply because I think the world doesn't care bout me, and it doesn't matter even if I was gone one day. But yesterday's incident proves me wrong.

Something bad happened to me yesterday, and I was afraid to tell my sister although we're staying together. My bf scolded me, (I would say, in a harsh way) just because he really cared bout me. He's angry because I'm being irresponsible of my own well-being. I was having excruciating back pain which caused me unable to move and walk, but I've never voiced out my complication because I feared I'd bring burdens to my sister. I'm not trying to be a hero here, but, I'd feel guilty and thought that I'm just another burden to people around me.

So, after he (my bf) begged me to tell my complication to my sister, I finally call my sister. And she had to call an ambulance to send me to the nearest hospital. There was about 4 guys (2 chinese, 2 malays) entered my room. The Chinese paramedic in the army suit asked me a few questions and pressed on my hips (maybe to check for fractures). Then they have to roll me over cause I seriously can't move much. Shit, I'm so heavy cause I think there's about 3 or 4 guys have to carry me over the bed. -.-''

They kept asking me the time I felt the pain, any medical history, etc. When the Chinese guy asked me if did I do any exercises recently, I admit that I almost laughed although I'm in pain. That's just simply because I don't even do exercises! :|      Then, he asked me if I felt pain when I pee. Okay, a bit shy to answer this cause it's a guy asking! >.<  Then I told him I don't feel pain when I pee, but I felt pain when I poo. Then he asked me, is it back pain or is it at the anal ? Slammed. Feeling shy, I softly said anal. I think I spoke too soft, then he brought himself nearer towards me and said "Sorry? Can't really hear you.". Then I said, "Uhm...the anal." I seriously don't know if anal pain relates to this or not. So I assumed I should tell him everything la...>.<   DAMN PAISE! :(((

Then arrived at the hospital, I kept crying cause I'm afraid. Afraid of many things. Seriously, at that point of time, I also worried bout my work. Been having sleepless nights because of work stress. Jerel, I really don't know what you want. >.< Sighh...Anyway, they saw that I was crying, the Chinese guy asked me why am I crying? I said I'm scared. The Malay paramedic then pat me on my shoulder and said, don't worry, things going to be just fine. I think sometimes when I'm in the state of stress or worried, I just need someone to pat me and tell me things are going to be just fine. Haiz..

I didn't know how bad my condition was until I need to pee. So the nurse assist me. And at that time, I really couldn't even walk properly. I felt a sharp pain even though I'm just trying to put my body into a sitting position. The nurse had to grab hold of my arms so tight cause I really had no strength to walk due to the pain. After I pee, they injected me with painkiller. Shame on me, already an adult but yet I still cried when I was given an injection :(    Then they (my sis and bro-in-law) had to wait for hours because of me. At that point of time, I still felt guilty for causing them much troubles and they have to stay awake around the clock because of me. And I even caused my parents to worry bout me.

But I know the person who would be the most concern bout me is him. He stayed up with me (although the next day he has a presentation) till I reached the hospital and till the doctor attended me. And today, he came all the way to visit me after he finished his presentation although his lessons are supposed to end at 6pm :(
Dardar, I'm so sorry that I caused you to worry so much bout me :(
I'm sorry that you had a noob gf that doesn't know how to appreciate her life. I promise that I would learn to love myself more.

And of course, my parents called me up nagging bout my complications, saying that I didn't drink enough water and so on (as the doctor said that I probably had urine infection or stones). But I guessed everyone just assumed it's stones. Even my colleague and brothers were concerned bout me. I never thought there are still people in the world that cares for me.

What I wanna say is, to people who had suicidal thoughts like my old self, you should have another thought bout this. Because, when you least expected it, there are people actually concern and care for you.

It's New Year....
Supposed to be a joyous moment.
Supposed to be happy.
But I'm not...