Thursday, June 28, 2012

I don't wanna write this, but the sight of them really makes me puke.
Showing off how wealthy they are to us and stuffs...
Yeah, I know they are rich. But I'd never understand why despite the bad treatments they give to dad, dad still sides them most.
Yeah, it's true. Wealthy people have all the powers. Poor people like us, are always down under their "rich" filthy feets.

I couldn't even stand the sight of them. I know that they looked down on us. Really. It's very obvious. O' come on. Even when all of them went out together, they would never even call my dad. And when they went out eat those expensive foods, my dad has to be the one paying the bills.

Seriously, what the fuck? Is this what siblings are made for?
Well, I wouldn't say mine are good. Anyway, looking down on people is not something nice, you know? Unless you know that person keeps saying things without putting it into efforts. I really did tried my best in my studies. I know, they all also looked down on me. Yeah, I know it's not easy to not be like them, but I will try harder. I don't like people looking down at me. I will try my best to prove everyone's wrong!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Seeking for a father figure

I read Sunday's paper (Yeah, I know today's Tuesday:/ ) and realized why I'm interested in elder, married men when I'm 14...First, I had attraction towards one of my Uncle who treat me good. Second, I was attracted to my English teacher,S when I was 15...However, I was so crazy about S for almost 2 years+. I could still remember how happy when I get to walk with him alone when we're on school tour. Visit him almost everyday during break time and after school. Ha-ha. Can recall actually most of the stuffs. It's weird, I know, especially when he was almost 3 times my age that time...:\

After reading the message from the girl to the "counsellor" in the don't know what column...I just know that people would wrote about their problems anonymously and the "counsellor" would give advices based on their situations...

Her family situation is almost like mine...Parent fights at times...Dad doesn't really show loves and often scold and beat her although she did nothing wrong (which is just like mine)...Hence, she all of sudden, became attracted to elder married men...And I felt what she was describing was really like mine. And after reading the counsellor's advices, I realized that what she/he said could be true.

At that moment, I also wished that S was my father too..And how good it would be if I'm his daughter...I just realized that that moment I was just seeking for a father figure, wanted a dad's love so much but I never had one. :(

Yeah, I know. That's also why I realized why I would cried in all movies when the father in the movie sacrificed so much just for the daughter (like in Journey  2) and also most HK dramas. This is also why I would cry when I watched most movies and dramas that showed the affection of a family, and how strong a family bond is...

Actually, I know that I always wanted a brother who loves me, and a brother that I can love. I had brothers, but sometimes, they really irritated me. My elder brother can be good to me, but most of the times, it depends on his mood. Sighhh...is it that I'm not easily satisfied?

..............

A woman's instinct

Tell me, a woman's instinct is not always true.
Tell me that it must be movies influence or I must have been thinking too much.
Tell me it wasn't what I'm thinking. O please. Spare me. :'(
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Confusion

Sometimes it looks true, sometimes it looks real...
But sometimes it gives me a second thought... sometimes I'm confused..
Are loves a puzzle?
Why is it so hard to really understand love? To really know what true love actually is...
It's hard to read people's thought right?
What if it's too hard to trust someone? What if the world ends tomorrow?
What if.... hmmmm.. random stuffs.

Anyway, my sister's keeper is quite a nice watch. Haven't really finished the book though. Heed friend's advice to watch before reading it...
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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Phobias

Specifically, everyone would have something that they are fear of.

I'm actually fear of almost most of the things but there a few of things that I'm extremely afraid of.

I'm actually coulrophobic perhaps because of the horror movie that I watched when I was quite young. I was only 9 that time I guessed and the movie featured a man who dressed like clown killing people horribly, made me had nightmares for almost a week. It was so scary that I was still able to remember its name, Uncle Sam, till now. I think it's not easy for me to remember a horror movie so much as I usually watched and forgot. But "Uncle Sam " had it's way to instill a fear in me till now. That's why I don't usually like clowns and I'm afraid of them actually.

On the other hand, one of the reasons causing me developed OCD is because I'm mysophobic And osmophobic. I hate it when dirty AND smelly things are on my body. Perhaps this is also why I actually hated cake smashing during birthdays which is actually quite popular among youngsters. I was smashed with whipping cream once although I tried so hard to avoid. I hated it but I'm quite lucky that I was wearing a normal T on that day. As class ended quite late that day, causing the cream to developed into some freaking smelly odours, I decided to throw the T shirt despite the fact that I just wore only a few times and although I've washed it more than 3 times. Reasons are simple because I can't bear the smell that still lingers around that shirt although I've put in so much detergent to wash it and washed it for like 4-5 times. :/
I do hate people who smacked that cream on me but I had to forgive them because they did not know me much that I had osmophobia.

I'm also Phagophobic. Hahaha. Can't blame much but it's because I've watched too much movies like sharks that eat humans, crocodiles, snakes, etc. Oh yeah, I'm also extremely agliophobic, that's why most of the time I'm afraid of injection and etc. Still remember I fainted twice during an injection. Although I was quite an adult d...:/

Sighhh....: '(
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Saturday, June 23, 2012

Victim of bullies

Sometimes there are too many things that happened in our lives that we wanted to forget it, but no matter how hard we tried, it always sticked in our memories, as if it can't be erased.

For example, being a victim of molest, a rape victim, victim of child or domestic abuse, as well as a victim of bully.

Since young, S had been a victim of bullies. At the age of 5, first attackers were a group of 4-5 Indian kids. What did they do? They told S that they are treating S a cooling drink. S rejected but the kids just took S's water bottle and put stones into her bottle and gave it back to her and forced her to drink it. S was lucky that her mother fetched her in time, and she quickly raced to her mother's bike. Of course, the mother didn't saw what had happened and S didn't tell it either.

Then, after some time, S got into trouble again. This time it was so big that her father canned her and made her knelt in front of the altar. S was being accused of stealing P's money although she swore that she never steal. But her parents didn't even believe her. There was no prove and P just accused S and told her mum that S took her money. P's mum then came to talked to the principal of the kindergarten and the principal called S's parents. No matter how hard S denied of the accusation because she really didn't did that, but her father ignored her and canned her.

It was since then S realized that she doesn't really had a great childhood and life and death doesn't even matters. S often wondered why must she brought into this cruel world? S can't really remember if there's anything worse than cutting her own wrist but she really thinks that her life isn't worth of living.

Not only that, even her relatives are also evil and a big bully. Once when S was about 11 years old, her family went on a vacation together with her relatives. So, there was once when they went to eat in a restaurant, S's cousin brother and sisters are so greedy that they took all the good and expensive foods, leaving only bones and gravy for her family. And worst thing is, S and her siblings got accused of finishing the foods when they barely even had the meat.

There had been many times she And her mother got bullied by her relatives. Once my dad had a function and got about 3-4 free seats to enjoy the sumptuous dinner, to S's mum horror, what she get to eat that time was very little as she had to sit with my uncle and aunts. Once there were roasted chicken or some herbal chicken soup, S's uncle gave himself,his wife and other aunts big chicken thighs. But what he gave S's mum was chicken backside, bones and chicken wings. S's mum wasn't happy of course and told S's father but S's father never believe that his siblings would do such things to them.

It has not been only one time but countless! S's dad hardly believe them because it's hard to prove! Cause most of the time S's dad was not ln the same table with them.

Then another incident was when it was S's brother's wedding dinner in Pahang. She had to seat with her evil and greedy uncle and cousins because her dad simply put her there. So she was sitting on that table alone with her relatives. There was once a shark fin soup was being served on the table and her effing elder cousin brother who looked like a duck, scooped the soup to everyone's bowl with the crab meat and ingredients, except S's bowl, which he only gave her the soup and nothing else. Not a single crab meat or anything was there. Only the soup. Although S doesn't really mind as she gets to drink these soups numerous time long ago, but she just felt that it was unethical and unfair. Of course there's no point to tell her father as she doesn't even had a camera phone as a prove. Anyway, the father would never even believe either.

When most of the time you're living in the world of bullies, what's the point to continue living in it? Wherever you go, you ended up being bullied. Is it karma? Did I bully people a lot in the past? Perhaps so, I do hope that the bullies can end soon. It's hard to take it any longer.


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Friday, June 22, 2012

Sometimes I wondered why people are desperate to increase their life span, doing all means to live longer.

For me, I often wondered since young, what's the purpose of bringing me into these world? To see how cruel is the world? To become a victim of bullies? To strengthen the bond of a family?

Why? Most of the time I felt that I'm not belonged in this world. I'm not belonged anywhere. Not in this family. Not in the society. I felt so alone.

Often people always remembered other's birthdays but seems like mine is a good date to be forgotten. Partly this is also one of the reasons I don't think my birthday is special because there's nothing special I could ever remember of.

My father was telling me all sorts of ways he learned from the internet on how to live longer like brushing your teeth every time after a meal,

I don't even bother to listen to that although I heard him telling me. I just think that my life is so uninteresting and everyday is such a dull and boring day for me that I got so bored that I don't even care if I had a short life. So what if I die young? Everyday of my life is just another repetition of everyday's routine and I can't even find any interest in anything. I got so bored of life. So why do I even bother to do things to extend my life? After all, your life and death is destined by God.
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The Last Wish

"You've only 2 months left to survive." The doctor told her. "The tumour in your lungs had grown into a cancerous tumour. However, we can still help to extend your life to 5 months by removing the tumour, but it's very risky. The percentage of success is only 30%."

Alyssa doesn't want to end her life just like that. She just dated Josh 8 months ago and it was a wonderful relationship for her after her hurting past relationships. She doesn't want to let go just like that. Although it's only 30% chance of success, she is willing to take the risk. Because Josh's birthday was about 3 month's time. She wants him to have a happy ending with her.

"Doctor, please perform the surgery. I'm willing to take the risk," she said.

******* to be continued
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Saturday, June 16, 2012

Hearts

Why are hearts so easily broken? Why are hearts, once broken, can't be mended?

Things people did that broke your heart, you forgave them because you care and love them. But what they did, always remains in your heart. It can't be forgotten.

It's just like a glass. When a glass is broken into pieces, you might thought that you can fix it with a glue. But, there's always the cracks on the glass that can be easily seen. There is no way to fix it to its once perfection. Just like a scar on the heart.
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Sunday, June 10, 2012

Saw a post in Singapore Stomp about a guy's tribute to his ex-gf....

It's really sad seeing his post, but still thinks that he's the one at fault cause he's the one who doesn't know how to appreciate his gf when he had her. Regrets are just remained as histories or memories now.

His ex is really really very pretty and beautiful. Yet, I still don't understand why he would cheated her, not once, but TWICE! Yeah, it's true. All girls can forgive easily but it's never easy to forget, unless we lose our memories. We forgive because we still love, but the wounds made can never be healed. Girls always remember
guy's mistakes. Even I do. What's worse is when he cheated so that he can go out with other girls.

I'm not sure what I'd do if I were her. I know perhaps I could forgive (or maybe not), but like every girls, none of us can forget things like that. Anyway, although the guy regretted now, sometimes, there's really no turning back. If a girl started to feel the lack of love, she'll learn to move on, eventually learns to forget the guy no matter how hard it would be.

Anyway, she really deserves a better guy than him after all. :/

A dream

I don't know what's the significance of today's dream but I know that it is not good. I'm fear that things in the beginning of the dream will happen.
Things happened from the middle towards the end of the dream seems impossible and it's way too weird. I can feel the fear that happens in the dream. From the beginning to the end, but fears the Thing happened in the beginning of the dreams most. :'(
I can't make u promise me to not letting my hands go. Sighhh.
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Thursday, June 7, 2012

the day i left

First of all,I want to say that I'm really sorry. You must be wondered why I'm apologizing. Hahah. I'm really sorry that you came all the way this morning to meet me but I was showing attitude because of the cancelled experiment and also due to the lack of sleep. Despite these, you've been really patient and tolerating me. Sorry that you had a girlfriend with da xiao jie pi qi.:|
While in the bus, I can't stop missing you and tearing up. You've really been a very good bf I've ever had. Really. You're really the best I've ever had in my life, treating and pampering me like a princess. I've realize that you really love me, but sometimes, hahaha, you just don't really know how to show it. It can be cute at times but sometimes hehehe, a lil sad. Hahaha. But it's just because of my demands la. Sorry ah, told u d, that my demands are quite high. Like I want surprises and romance, but when u actually quite noob at it.:p But I understand and I know, you must have thought that romance is about bringing me to dinners or.... I don't know. But I really want u to know that romancing with your pigachu (yup, that's me) can be as simple as just spending ur time with me and take me for a walk. I don't want dinners cause I dun think it's romantic:/
and I also understand that it's impossible to devote all ur time for me cause I want u to spend time with your friends and family.:) Cause it doesn't have to mean "you nv peng you jiu mei you peng you". But hehe, I really do love surprises:)

You really made me speechless when all of sudden you popped up a box of Ferrero rocher while you were packing my luggage. I was touched and I don't know what to do. You know I crave for it but I never buy because it was expensive. I came across a box with 24 pieces which costed $18.80. I guessed the one u bought would be very expensive. To be truthful, I really don't mind about your family background. I prefer you being that way cause I think it would make you more independent and strive to work hard towards a better future like me:) hehehe. I really felt lucky to have you, to me, having you is more than luxury. Sorry if my English is bad. But hehe, I think you'll understand though:)
Lastly, I really want you to know that you're the only guy who is always in my mind and head. No, you're not dancing in my head now, but it seems like you're with me, playing around like we used to do. :)

P.S. I Really Love You.
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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Child Psychopath



Seriously, I began interested in "studying" and to get to know more about child psychopath after watching Orphan (although Orphan is not really a child psychopath but it's due to the lack of growth hormones which caused the 33-years old woman to be kind of trapped in a 9-years old child).

Then I began to question if things like child psychopath really existed. And I actually realized that there was. And it really makes me wonder, what makes them like that? There are kids as young as 12 years-old that are involved in cruelty murder and so on.

If only there is a module in Crime Psychology or Child Psychopath in NUS, I would definitely take it. It's really interesting to study what are actually in these kids' mind and what makes them do these. But sometimes, questions always remain as questions as there are no answers to it. :|