My obvious dislike about people

Things that I wouldn't understand:

WHY PEOPLE LIKE TO GOSSIP????

Seriously, as time passed, I actually had increased growth of dislike towards them. Every single day, I would be hearing them gossiping bout people - their families, friends, etc.

Honestly, I really think humans must not be too naive. "Close" or "Best" friends may not be someone you can trust too much. Just come here and you'd understand why I say that. They may be very good with you and so on, but there are couple of times, when you're not around, they'd talk bout you behind your back. And all I would do is just listen, 'cause it's not my nature to gossip bout people. In fact, I hate people who loves to gossip. I guessed, gossiping seemed to be like a gene is almost everyone. The fact that I don't have many friends because I couldn't find someone like me. All the people (well, most) that I've met just like to gossip, and because of this, I would avoid being too friend (not being too open) with such people. And most of the times, I wouldn't even join in their gossiping, but obviously, you can always overheard it 'cause they talked bout people very loud.

Like now, they're talking bout their "family". Sometimes, I really wanna ask if they really understand the history of the person they're talking bout? Why they are not close with their relatives and so on? 'Cause I'm also had this kind of upbringing. Do you think it was something that we chosen for? Do you think that I don't wish to be close to my relatives and etc? Do you think I don't want to have a close relationship with my family etc??

You people had good life, so why must you complain about other people's life when it was not something they've chosen for? Hearing them gossiping bout N who left this place, I guessed, after I left, I would also be a victim.

So, people, beware of who you're trusting. Never ever trust anyone too much. They may be a crocodile in disguise.

I don't know if there's any significant people like me?

Nightmare

We planned a trip to Taiwan in July. Initially was very excited bout it. 'Cause finally can spend more time with him.

Lately, our relationship was abit of rocky but we always managed to kiss and make up. Not sure if it affects me but I never had any thoughts before I go to bed. Somehow, I got this nightmare that I woke up crying and my pillow was soaked in tears...

In the dream...

We were already in Taiwan. First few hour on arrival, after putting our stuffs in our hotel rooms, we went out and walked around the city ( or something like that). Then, all of sudden, I got abandoned. They lefted me in a mall. I don't know how we got separated or something. So, I messsaged him, asking him where he is. He replied that they've forgotten bout me. I was upset and nervous at that time, and asked how can he forgotten bout me as a bf? He said that there's nothing he could do. So... i throwed tantrum and all and said that I'll .... if he didnt ...

To my surprises, he replied " Yeah, I'm so scared. What you gonna do? Break ahh? "
Was dumbfounded at that reply. Then, don't know how, I initiated it. It was a very difficult decision. And in that dream, I suddenly remembered I don't bring Taiwan currency with me ( i mean why so weird) :/ And it's hard to get back my stuffs back from him. My luggages, tickets, etc. :(

Then, I woke up crying and feeling scared. Like would things like this happen to me? :(
Although things like being dumped or divorced in a foreign country was some of the tactics that some jerks used, it sometimes scare me. :(
Maybe we should have a talk bout it. Maybe things wouldn't be this way like in the dream.
Maybe I'm just affected with what happened recently. :'(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Yes or No

I've watched YES or NO!!! :)))
I think I'm so in love. Never did I saw a girl this handsome. Never did I saw a girl has such an appealing masculine traits & appearance like her...Watched until my "xin dou luan luan" d... :'))

Somehow, felt like a silly girl who longed a love like this. I knew all along I'm a bi. Since 11. It was a secret, that time it's like I'm living in denial as well. But what's the chances to meet a butch like her? Someone who will do anything for you. Someone who loves you with all their heart.

Is it my first time to fell in love with a girl? I bet not. But Supanart Jittaleela was my 2nd :)  I'm crazy over her, like a crazy little girl in love for the first time. Re-watched, re-watched, re-watched it. Just because I don't wanna forget how she looks like, just because I don't wanna forget who sweet she is as a lover.

It takes 2 hands to clap for a long-lasting love. And sometimes, I admit that I've always hated 3rd party of a relationship. But at times, being the 3rd party hurts a lot. Because it's not our mistake to fall in love with them, but it's our fault to meet them at the wrong timing. Hence, we must learn to let go and don't be a 3rd party.

Kim's name is quite difficult to remember. But now I remembered. Supanart Jittaleela! Supanart Jitaleela!! Supanart Jitaleela !!! And just found out she's 1 year younger than me! :) Her birthday is 12 February 1991. Cried, cried and cried. Because I knew I wouldn't get to meet someone like her. Someone who would care and love you a lot.

Let ya see a picture of her:

Awww...pretty and handsome right?? :)) I've showed my colleagues and they thought she's a guy too :P
And here's the song that I love most: If you Have the Courage

Ahhhh!!!!! I'm so sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. I don't know why.

Some people really gan cheong when they wanna get into the bus. Okay, that guy already was the first to enter and yet he can't even decide to enter from the left or right. Okay, so initially he stands at the left, then I enter from the right. Then what the FUCK! He suddenly moved to the right and knock me down. Fucking real idiot! I don't know why he's so fucking kia su that he can't be in the bus although his whole body was already in the bus! Damn real asshole! Luckily my medicine bottle was not broken, if not I'll fucking make him pay for it!!!! Real idiot. Totally can't tolerate with idiots like this! Please make your mind next time when u want enter the bus or whatever la! Super Mega pissed off!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

I'm Just A Financial Burden to You

Just because you lost the bill, you put your blame on me.

I really swear that night, you only pass to me the MC and the hospital referral letter. You never even pass me any receipt. 

The only receipt that I saw is the medicine receipt. So, I asked you is it the receipt inside together with my medicine? You initially said yes, but when I asked you the amount is only $5.35? You raised your voice and said it's the $95 one. I said I didn't see any receipt other than the one inside the plastic bag which contained my medicine. Initially, we're sitting down together having dinner. But after you heard that I said that I didn't get any receipt other than the $5.35 one, you frantically search in your room, and keep insisting to me that you gave to me. I know you sounded angry, I don't blame you. Just that, I felt disappointed that, even as a sister, although the amount was only about $95, you're angry because of this matter. Then you asked me to pay myself when the ambulance bill comes. Even when I have to go for polyclinic for follow up this coming Friday, you asked me to pay myself. 

I felt really sad. I don't understand why my colleagues and friends' elder siblings are better. Ria told me that it should be my sister's responsibility for paying the fees as I'm not even working yet. Yes, I'm having intern now, but I need to save money because my sister had reduced the pocket money to only $150 per month (considering I'm staying with her now). Do you think that's even enough for my next semester? She wants to claim for the hospital bills, so I tried but they said it won't be covered. 

Why whenever my friends/colleagues had something happened to them, the elder siblings are so good? Like Ria, at first she also felt sorry to her brothers when she first had seizure when she was 14, but her brothers told her it's okay, it's their responsibilities. For my case, it seems that everything needs a payback. She also requested me to bring them to a restaurant and eat since they had to stay up with me till 4 am that night.  Sounds like there's no free lunch in this world. I know, but why within my family, she has to be so calculative? 

I'm so torn. Why is it like that? Can I even tell my parents? I don't think so. Cause if I told them bout this, they would nag her, and she'll definitely hated me for this. I guessed that I was wrong bout her. She definitely think that I'm just a burden to her, financially.

Initially, I wanted to rant bout this matter to my bf, but considering he's having exams soon, maybe I should just blog bout it although I really really want to find someone to rant to. I'm really disappointed. Maybe Cedric (a commentor on my NUS confession post) was right, in this world, only a few shows genuine concern towards you.  

Lesson learned. The day when I first sent to the hospital.

After yesterday's incident, I realized one thing. All these while, my thoughts were wrong. I have a confession, but I'd make it public.

I had depression in history, but I've never make an effort to go for consultation because I just think it wouldn't help to cure me. I always had suicidal thoughts simply because I think the world doesn't care bout me, and it doesn't matter even if I was gone one day. But yesterday's incident proves me wrong.

Something bad happened to me yesterday, and I was afraid to tell my sister although we're staying together. My bf scolded me, (I would say, in a harsh way) just because he really cared bout me. He's angry because I'm being irresponsible of my own well-being. I was having excruciating back pain which caused me unable to move and walk, but I've never voiced out my complication because I feared I'd bring burdens to my sister. I'm not trying to be a hero here, but, I'd feel guilty and thought that I'm just another burden to people around me.

So, after he (my bf) begged me to tell my complication to my sister, I finally call my sister. And she had to call an ambulance to send me to the nearest hospital. There was about 4 guys (2 chinese, 2 malays) entered my room. The Chinese paramedic in the army suit asked me a few questions and pressed on my hips (maybe to check for fractures). Then they have to roll me over cause I seriously can't move much. Shit, I'm so heavy cause I think there's about 3 or 4 guys have to carry me over the bed. -.-''

They kept asking me the time I felt the pain, any medical history, etc. When the Chinese guy asked me if did I do any exercises recently, I admit that I almost laughed although I'm in pain. That's just simply because I don't even do exercises! :|      Then, he asked me if I felt pain when I pee. Okay, a bit shy to answer this cause it's a guy asking! >.<  Then I told him I don't feel pain when I pee, but I felt pain when I poo. Then he asked me, is it back pain or is it at the anal ? Slammed. Feeling shy, I softly said anal. I think I spoke too soft, then he brought himself nearer towards me and said "Sorry? Can't really hear you.". Then I said, "Uhm...the anal." I seriously don't know if anal pain relates to this or not. So I assumed I should tell him everything la...>.<   DAMN PAISE! :(((

Then arrived at the hospital, I kept crying cause I'm afraid. Afraid of many things. Seriously, at that point of time, I also worried bout my work. Been having sleepless nights because of work stress. Jerel, I really don't know what you want. >.< Sighh...Anyway, they saw that I was crying, the Chinese guy asked me why am I crying? I said I'm scared. The Malay paramedic then pat me on my shoulder and said, don't worry, things going to be just fine. I think sometimes when I'm in the state of stress or worried, I just need someone to pat me and tell me things are going to be just fine. Haiz..

I didn't know how bad my condition was until I need to pee. So the nurse assist me. And at that time, I really couldn't even walk properly. I felt a sharp pain even though I'm just trying to put my body into a sitting position. The nurse had to grab hold of my arms so tight cause I really had no strength to walk due to the pain. After I pee, they injected me with painkiller. Shame on me, already an adult but yet I still cried when I was given an injection :(    Then they (my sis and bro-in-law) had to wait for hours because of me. At that point of time, I still felt guilty for causing them much troubles and they have to stay awake around the clock because of me. And I even caused my parents to worry bout me.

But I know the person who would be the most concern bout me is him. He stayed up with me (although the next day he has a presentation) till I reached the hospital and till the doctor attended me. And today, he came all the way to visit me after he finished his presentation although his lessons are supposed to end at 6pm :(
Dardar, I'm so sorry that I caused you to worry so much bout me :(
I'm sorry that you had a noob gf that doesn't know how to appreciate her life. I promise that I would learn to love myself more.

And of course, my parents called me up nagging bout my complications, saying that I didn't drink enough water and so on (as the doctor said that I probably had urine infection or stones). But I guessed everyone just assumed it's stones. Even my colleague and brothers were concerned bout me. I never thought there are still people in the world that cares for me.

What I wanna say is, to people who had suicidal thoughts like my old self, you should have another thought bout this. Because, when you least expected it, there are people actually concern and care for you.

It's New Year....
Supposed to be a joyous moment.
Supposed to be happy.
But I'm not...