mistakes

Sometimes when I think back, do I just made a mistake? Why everytime in a relationship, I couldn't feel any an quan gan?? Why even he can't provide me this feeling of safetiness?? Or is it I'm the one being sensitive?? Everytime I thought back bout his ex and the girl he once liked, though he never mentioned it lately after i've told him what i felt when he talked bout them, I kept thinking of ending the relationship...I just felt he love me just not enough....But I have to admit that most times he treated me real good....But I just don't understand why the feeling inside me just felt not right...Anxiety...Depression...When he talked about Chye Poh(the girl he liked b4), I felt so down...She's very pretty...And many guys are crazy over her...When he mentioned bout her, I instantly felt like going back home right away...Perhaps Im not a girl who like my boyfriend kept mentioning bout a gurl or the girl he once loved so deeply....
Anyway...I guess it should be over...I just have to love him less...So that whenever anything happens, my heart wouldn't hurt so easily...
Recently, I don't know why when I glance at CF back, I felt like I regretted breaking up with him...But like what I've said, once over, its over....There is always no turning back of time...What I've regretted the most is losing Joseph...The guy who I once loved the most and forever....He would always have a place in my heart...I don't know last month,I've dreamt of him twice,saying that he broke with his gf..and he came back for me....I accepted him instantly....But when I realised it was just a dream, I broke into tears....Why it has to be a dream? And why would I dreamt the same thing twice?!! I was feeling so angered why he can't belong to me?? Why he must be the guy who I'd always love no matter what....? Why we are not meant to me? Why we have to be cousins!!!!
Perhaps now I would think all guys are bad...insincere...flirty...Perhaps it may be due to Tv influences whch portrayed guys are antagonists...Now I don't belive him anymore also...How cna I put my trusts on guys when I'm hurted always...? Besides, what happened to my "friend" is also a good lesson not to trust guys...They can be sweet when they wan something...But...they're all the same...