Went to the beach alone yesterday night to find some peace...
But never could I find a place to be alone...
Felt like shouting to the sea that how sad I am...
But ended up sitting at the bench crying alone...
People are around me everywhere...
But I don't care...
They don't even know me...
I felt like shouting at that time...
But I've tried to resist...
There are too many people around...
And I'm afraid that people says that there is a crazy girl screaming here...
I said to myself, "Listen...Can you hear the sea's crying?" The sound of the water splashing on the beach does have some calming effect. But it wasn't enough to drown away my sadness. Even the sea was weeping too. I smelled sadness in the air. I tasted the bitterness of the wind blowing past me. I was thinking to myself, if would dad forgive me and allow me to continue my studies? I really don't wanna stop my studies just like that. I'm really sorry that maybe I've not tried hard enough that I failed to achieve the results you wanted. But I really did put lots of effort in it. Can't he just understand that?
I was working this morning. Zhi Ping was good to me. He made me a cup of coffee. Perhaps right now, I'm acting as if I'm always happy, but deep down, I'm really sad. I really can't let go off my thinkings. I really don't know what else to do. My problems aren't solved. How can I not think about it? Dad doesn't even understands me. I know I should be blamed for it. I am.
When I was serving a customers, I really felt like bursting out. I really don't know. No matter how hard I tried to resist my tears from flowing out, I failed to. I overheard the girl's dad asked if she wanted anything to eat or drink. The daughter said, "I don't know. I'm very nervous now. I'm scared leh..." The dad laughed and said, " You're already graduating. Not sitting for exams. Don't have to be nervous ok?" How sweet. At that time, I was thinking, will my dad be nice to me like that? Will I be able to graduate with honours like others? As in like those with good results...But I'm not sure if I can be like them...I really hope that one day I'll be able to graduate with good results like them and dad will also come along as well...I really hope that I can make dad happy...But I'm a disappointment to him.
All of the time, I really hope to be loved. I really hope to have a daddy's love. I'm jealous whenever I saw some girls had good relationship with their daddy...On the other hand, I can only watch them alone and hunger for it. How good to be loved by daddy? Sigh...I guessed the day won't come. People having good relationships with their dad, but mine, ...I don't even dare to talk to dad. Each time when I wanna talk to him, I had to gain lots of courage just to talk to him. Like...asking for permission to go out...asking for something...We don't have any casual things to talk...Everything we talked is only on a serious basis. Nothing else.
Each time I cried. I really hunger for love. This is also might be the reason that I fell in love with guys quite easily. But what I really want is dad or a brother's love. But I'm just fated not to be loved by anyone. I had to get a life and just let it be it. What I really hope for now is dad will approve to let me continue my studies. If not, I'll emo for life...And these few days, I can't even find a reason to laugh. Although I laughed in front of others, I'm actually faking it as if I'm happy. But I really felt like bursting out actually...
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