I am sad. Lonely. Bored.
I really want someone to share my feelings with...but just couldnt find the right person. I also wanted to be loved and pampered. But ...am to afraid to commit in a relationship. I see couples everywhere, I really wished I have to...But fate seems to be fooling me. It brings me happiness only for a short period of time. When I let my guard off, fate started to take everything from me, leaving me in wonder and sadness. That's why I had never ever taste happiness in my life before.
I hope to work but now it seems that I'm slacking. It's not what I wanted to. But...I still can't find a job that suits me. I hate to deal with business stuff. I guessed I don't suit to be in the business line. But, if it is related to Nutrition stuff, I'd like it...But then..after reading the Nutrition book, I realised Nutrition is all about controversies. And the best way to nutritized yourself is by consuming the food, not supplements. I am really passionate towards Nutrition-related stuff. But...sigh...I don't know. I don't even know what I'm thinking. I really don't know what exactly happened to me. It seems that I'm not myself anymore. It's like I'm totally a different person now. Last time, I used to like to talk to people and smile openly, even to strangers. But now, I seemed to be totally 360 degrees away from my old self. The new me isn't the friendly person anymore. And the new me, doesn't really like to talk to anyone, preferring to be on her own. What's wrong with me? I used to be so chatty, but now...I am so freakingly quiet, people talk to me in more than 10 words, I replied in only 1 word...People smiled to me, I looked away...What's exactly happened to me? Why am I not my old self anymore?
Sometimes, I really think it's because of my self esteem. My self esteem became so low after I came here. I have no confidence in anything. I am afraid. Honestly, I am afraid. I am afraid that ...in this world, there's no one that I can fully trust on. Not even myself that I trust. I don't even trust myself. I always doubt on myself. Where is the confidence that I once had, at least? I trust no one. I don't even trust myself. IT seems that I don't belong here in this world. I am lonely. There is no one that I can talk with. There's no one that I dare to put my trust on to tell how I am feeling. How can I trust someone when I don't even trust myself?
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