Living in denial till now.
Though I just glanced through it, today's was the day I tasted family's support.
I told mum I'm afraid to check it, and I guessed I don't wanna check. But time is rushing, cause we're going to Ipoh to send off sis and my future-brother-in-law. Still, mum stood beside me, said that she'll be giving me support. I told her that I wanna give up and I don't felt like checking, for I'm afraid that I'll disappoint them too if they saw...Then, mum asked sis to come out and to give me support as well. To give me the courage to check my results...Jie and her boyfriend came out to give me the courage and support. I don't wanna make them wait also, so, I checked. Truthfully as I've expected, it's really disappointing. Really disappointing. But mum and sis said that it's okay, I should try my best to do it again. No point being sad for what is happened. Great. Scholarship going to be withdrawn. Have to tell Uncle Daniel for help asap. Honestly, my heart wants to cry out, but this time I don't know why I can't cry it out.I'm bleeding inside, for I've disappointed everyone...But at the same time, I'm touched because I have my family's love despite of it...But though I can hide my results from dad now, I can't hide later...Cause dad will know it soon when I have to tell Uncle Daniel...
I guessed I have to resit one paper. Since I'm not sure what's the passing grade. But still I really hope that I dont have to resit...:( I will stand up again and do my best...I'll make sure that this time I study everyday and not waste any of my time. means less facebook-ing d. I remembered that if my results are not satisfactory, I will refrain myself from facebook by allocating myself only 2 hours of FB per week.I need to find a reason of my failures. If facebook is one of the reason of my failure, then I'll have to stay away from it. If the reason is my poor time management, it's time for me to seek for help to advise me on time management. If it was due to my poor study skills, I shall seek for advices on the studying tips. If it was due to poor exercises, then I'll do more exercises on it. I really need to improve...Sometimes, I really wanna find someone to talk about my sadness and depression, but at the same time, I just don't felt like telling anyone.You know, you just don't felt like telling anyone, and you'd just rather keep it all to yourself.
Honestly, this is what happened to me recently. I used to tell my friends about how sad I am with my results, but lately, I found that I'm just isn't me. I don't feel like telling anyone about my worries, cause I am no longer feeling that there's a point in telling them. It's like telling them just make no sense. They don't know what and how you felt. And sometimes they just don't give you the right advices that makes you feel good. Sigh, I guessed only Serena and Wei Chyi has the ability to tell something that makes me happy even when Im sad. Serena will distract me away from sad thoughts; Wei Chyi will give me wise and soothing advices that suits my mood. Others, just isn't the same. I know I'm quite demanding, but sometimes, I really want to be pampered. I want to be loved. I want someone to be able to carry away my sad thoughts. But most NUS ppl just don't quite have the ability to do so. Perhaps it's because when people are too smart, they don't have the simple thinking like us. They only think of A, CAP and nothing else. We are people who thinks thing is simple ways are really different from people who only think about A and CAP. Perhaps that's what makes us different from them. Yes, our thinkings are simple and naive, but that doesn't mean that we're stupid. We might have our certain abilities in other way...
Sorry, this post doesn't mean to say anything about NUS ppl. But I'm just saying that I'm being hard and cold nowadays. Perhaps, this is what I've wanted. To be a cold person. And I guess I'm in the process of being that. It's good. No matter how I fell, I will get back and stand tall again.
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