Ughhh...I don't know what...But...people having good relationship...Seeing people so "han fook"...I also hoped that I can felt the same way too...But, each time, my relationship is like a disaster...Sigh...With J, it's still a bliss for me although he left me for good. We can never be together, cause... Sigh, my dear friends, I know it's silly...But, since he found a good girlfriend, I also felt happy for him geh...:)
Sometimes, I really wished to find a life partner to share all my feelings and pain and happiness...But, something in me will get in the way each time when a guy did actually tell his feelings to me. I wanted a relationship, but the other voice in me said that all guys are bad and the other thing is also because I'm afraid of pain and commitment..Afraid of being hurt again...Afraid of being committed to a guy...
It's like when I'm with a guy, then I'll have to commit time and space with him...Another thing is, I have a clear conscience that I'm right now living on my own, in a foreign country. There's nobody staying with me(parents) and if anything happened, I'll have to "zi kei seng dam (cantonese)"...That's also the reason why in this one-year duration, I have never allowed any guys to enter my room. I remembered that John followed me all the way to my cluster to take his book and when he was just in front of my door, I asked him to stand outside. Lol. Am I being mean? Sorry, just that I'm not "xi guan" to allow any guy to enter my room (unless to help me take SUPER heavy stuff and that only happened once at the end of semester since we have to pindah here and there).
zZzz...I want a guy in my life, but on the other hand, I am afraid of being hurted and afraid of commitment...I am so confused..I didn't know what I want actually...
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