发现自己的一天

01.08.09
为什么我从来没有发现到他的存在？我现在才知道自己对他有点动心。。可是我又不能让人何人知道我喜欢上他。。。我也没想到上个月我会梦到他在一个很浪漫的情况。。我想。。他对poh juan 有心…我也知道，他很美而且他人又斯文。。。是男子会喜欢的女子啦。。。我能跟他比吗？所以，我就跟自己说，就算我喜欢他，我就不能让自己很明显是喜欢着他的。。要不然全世界就知道。。就算有时候我很想很想见到他，可是我却要goes the opposite way。。。意思说，我不能看着他。。。更加要离他远一点。。。虽然这样做会让自己心痛，可是我知道如果我爱一个人会很明显。。所以，我真的真的不希望他会知道我是喜欢他的。。。有时候因为要靠近他，就当着有问题要问他。。
跟他一起唱K是我快日的一天。。。爱一个人就是很难。。你喜欢她，可是你却不能让他知道你是喜欢她的。。。而且，我学校有很多女生都在暗恋他的。。。他们条件比我更好咯。。。我根本没地位的啦。。。我只希望可以偷偷喜欢着他。。。这样我也满促了。。。

Endless....

Things called love are always well...so complicated...right?? I'm not trying to be stuck-up...But, why do all guys who dated me are all of the same kind? (this was an exception for J...) Well, I guess I have to admit that Chee Hong was a better a lil than my 3rd and current bf...Just that CH was not very good-looking...But he hurted me once till I decided to fade my feelings for him...Even when he knew that I kept being moody and cold towards him, he always try to patch things up with me after that...I know he was afraid to loose me but I have no choice....I don't like him the way I used to do anymore just because...It was his mistake....Even when I told him I wanted a break with him, he tries to beg me back but I...just couldnt find a reason to say Yes...It's just that I really dont have the feelings to be with him back...And I was really glad that even after the break,we still could be friends...Just last 2 days, he sent me a msg to remind me to take care of my health due to the hot weather....I was really happy that he still concern me,as a friend....I guess that maybe the problem is with me...Maybe I was the one who doesn't forgive someone so easily when they made a serious mistake....Now...I really doubted that Chee wei doesnt like me as he said...I just tested him today...I told him that I saw the chocolate that I liked so much which I bought in Genting was being sold in Fajar today...I told him that I was quite sad that I couldn't buy it and I asked him not to worry coz I'm not going to ask him to buy it for me...And he sent me a message saying that I'm being anxiety when things on sale...He says next time also can buy...What is he worried about? I don't even ask him to buy it!! Sighh...I guess that he's just using me...Why almost all guys who dated me are just toying me?? Is it because I'm so easily fooled or easily courted means that I can be toyed?? Like last Tuesday, he showed his inbox to me,revealing that some of the messages are sent by the girl he once liked...Chye Poh...He knew that I'd be jealous...I just acted I don't feel a thing...I guess...I should start to fade my feelings for him...If he tries to make me jealous again,I wouldn;t know what I'd do...Nowadays, my head just kept thinking bout one thing...the two words...I: guess I'd find a day to say it out to him...Perhaps maybe after the big exam...I don't wanna affect him,...So I guess that I would message him less just like what I did to CH...The thing whch comes first would be...dying my feelings for him...Then wait for time and the courage to say it so...Forget everything...Yes...initially when courting me,he treats me real good...till I believed that he does love me as he said...Shit...I'm too naive ...Shud have learnt from my lessons....but I'm too naive to accept changes...Being so stupid to be cheated over and over again....I guess P.Hooi knew that I'm having problems with him...After all, I guess P.Hooi would be a better guy but ....I guess that he's not my type...Coz...uhm...he's a study-addict type or some kind like that...He advised me to tolerate with C.wei...But...could I tolerate more even though I nkow that he;s not the right guy for me? Love shouldn't be forced,right? When you know someone is not right for you, perhaps you should leave him although you knew that you still liked him....Coz, it's just not right being together when you knew that you won't get along well with him/her...I guess that if that was my choice, I should let him go in the end...He won't hurt I guess...He still loves his ex...So, I could find a reason to ask for a break...

mistakes

Sometimes when I think back, do I just made a mistake? Why everytime in a relationship, I couldn't feel any an quan gan?? Why even he can't provide me this feeling of safetiness?? Or is it I'm the one being sensitive?? Everytime I thought back bout his ex and the girl he once liked, though he never mentioned it lately after i've told him what i felt when he talked bout them, I kept thinking of ending the relationship...I just felt he love me just not enough....But I have to admit that most times he treated me real good....But I just don't understand why the feeling inside me just felt not right...Anxiety...Depression...When he talked about Chye Poh(the girl he liked b4), I felt so down...She's very pretty...And many guys are crazy over her...When he mentioned bout her, I instantly felt like going back home right away...Perhaps Im not a girl who like my boyfriend kept mentioning bout a gurl or the girl he once loved so deeply....
Anyway...I guess it should be over...I just have to love him less...So that whenever anything happens, my heart wouldn't hurt so easily...
Recently, I don't know why when I glance at CF back, I felt like I regretted breaking up with him...But like what I've said, once over, its over....There is always no turning back of time...What I've regretted the most is losing Joseph...The guy who I once loved the most and forever....He would always have a place in my heart...I don't know last month,I've dreamt of him twice,saying that he broke with his gf..and he came back for me....I accepted him instantly....But when I realised it was just a dream, I broke into tears....Why it has to be a dream? And why would I dreamt the same thing twice?!! I was feeling so angered why he can't belong to me?? Why he must be the guy who I'd always love no matter what....? Why we are not meant to me? Why we have to be cousins!!!!
Perhaps now I would think all guys are bad...insincere...flirty...Perhaps it may be due to Tv influences whch portrayed guys are antagonists...Now I don't belive him anymore also...How cna I put my trusts on guys when I'm hurted always...? Besides, what happened to my "friend" is also a good lesson not to trust guys...They can be sweet when they wan something...But...they're all the same...

He really loves me or ...?

I really don't understand why I would involved in this stupid thing called love again...I don't know why he wants to be with me...He shows that he cares for me...But of course, I could sense that he still loves his ex and his best friend, CP...When he talked bout them, I would get angry and sad...He never truly loves me as he loves them, dont u think so? He always praises them but he never praise me...Why I couldn't find a guy who truly loves me for who i am? Sigh...I guess I should stop myself from continuing loving him...He says he love me but I never trust him that he meant it...That is why now I gave him freedom n says that he is allowed to mention about his ex or cp...Coz I knw that one day soon I and him would end...Coz he never truly loves me like he loves them...He kept comparing them v me...So perhaps it was my fault that I've never done my part too good...Im not pretty like them..I dont have good attitude and mood like them...Im xiao qi and so on...So sooner or later, we would broke one day...Tht;s wht he said to me...so, I gues i should move on v my life and stop liking him...Right???

His first kiss

Yii...I don't know what to write...I still misses his kisses...just that i really can't believe that i actually brought him home..Sounds impossible, huh?? I'm thinking the same way though...It was on the 17th Sept 2008..right after tuition..he brought me home...at first we were just chatting...then,mum was bathing upstairs...so,he hugged me..hehe...i love his hugs...:) coz i felt so secure in his arms...Then,mum was downstairs doing her stuff...uhm...as usual,we chat and still hugging each other...Then,mum slept awhile in the guest room...So I was lying on his chest and i could actually hear his heartbeat...So i teased him..and he started blushing...So cute and innocent...Then, he looked at me...He asked if i dare to kiss him...I looked away and say that i don't know...Oww...he seems hurted..so i looked at him and said that i would like to give it a try...Then,he kissed me...We french-kissed...I felt so "high" at that time...I guess he was as well...Coz both of us just cant stop kissing...and it was as if we wanted more...We kissed for almost an hour till around 5pm...It was when mum suddenly came out from the room...Haha...sighed...When mum came out,we quickly pushed each other away and started mumbling over something and asked each other questions...Kinda silly..haha....To be honest, i love his kisses...and i love his hugs...And today we kissed again...Just a short kiss,though...Cause we're in school ma...haha...It's funny that when we tried to kiss again, one of the librarian comes out from the library and she was someone who we knows...So,we quickly acted as we're chatting or something...
I really hoped that our relationship would last long...:)
It's alright...I have faith in us...:)

bosco cming msia

BOSCO is coming down to Malaysia on Feb2.3.and 4~!!! And i cant go there:(
haiz....bosco....i really hope to go to the kingary's promotion to meet you and ur fans:)
but too bad...chances are really slim~!! I read the forum...Bosco,ur are real cutie:)

UPDATES:2 Feb (730pm) @ SG Wang, KL Concourse Level & Kim Gary 3 Feb (130pm) @ Gurney Plaza, Penang - Kim Gary4 Feb (730pm) @ City Square, JB - Kim Gary

Too bad...i cant go~!! ergh~! BTW....bosco im really proud of you~!!! hehe...:)
Will meet you next year sooon!~!!
Love you:)

About bosco~!!

Ooh my Gosh...!! I love Bosco a lot...Hope that i'll have the chance to take pictures with him...Like michiyo the girl i met in friendster...wonder if bosco have friendster or not..hm...I LOVE HIm a lot...Wish to meet him in person...REcently i had been day-dreaming bout him...Hey..it's the first time that i day-dream...Well im dying to buy all the dramas or movies he acted...Especially the Wars of In-Laws...Love Myolie Wu a lot too..she's really talented...And so was BOSCO~!! HUhu....Here are some details bout bosco...WELL...recently i visit www.bosco-wong.com to check on the news bout him...:)
Bosco would come 0n 20th jan...but i guess i couldnt come:( tears going to roll down d...im sad of course~!!i hope he would come again next year...
Here’s the latest update!!! It has been confirmed that Bosco will be flying to Nagoya on January 17th, 2007 to film outdoor scenes for “The Seventh Day” [最美麗的第七天]. We will announce the flight details later when we have more information, so please be patient!! He is tentatively scheduled to stay and film there for approximately two weeks.
Also, Bosco has recently completed the filming for a gameshow called “Is That Right” [問題娛樂圈]. So remember to watch out for the airing time of that!!
And finally, if you didn’t know, there are many Bosco series being aired: “Dicey Business” has just completed last week; “The Price of Greed” is currently released overseas, and “Devil’s Disciple” will be released overseas as well on February 2nd, 2007. So remember to watch out for those as well!!
BOSCO...!! I WILL SUPPORT YOU ALWIX...!!! LOVE YOU A LOT~!!